Sunday, March 08, 2009

Why Men Act "Hot And Cold"

Why is it so easy for other women to fall in
love with a man, and for their relationships to
effortlessly come together and grow...

While YOU keep attracting all the men out
there who are "unavailable" or who SEEM great at
first, but eventually get scared and just can't
go "deeper" with you?

Is this "unavailable" thing really a problem
so many men are carrying around that gets in the
way of love?


Could it also be that YOU play a part in
finding men who are "unavailable"?

Or that you bring about that unavailable
RESPONSE inside a man, a response that even the
most "evolved" men have lying dormant inside

I want to share with you what could be a new
and enlightening perspective on all this..

There's an important realization all SMART
and LOVING women come to at some point in their
love lives.

It's a "light bulb" that suddenly just turns
on... and when it does you instantly grow and see
things with a new sense of CLARITY.

Unfortunately, most women only come to this
important realization AFTER they've been through
the pain and frustration of doing everything they
can think of to "revive" their relationship and

I'll tell you what this REALIZATION is:

It's that when you're with a man who is feeling
or acting UNCERTAIN with you - even if you could
give him an "ultimatum" that would move things
ahead to the place in your relationship that YOU

You're in a very dangerous and "weak" position
for your relationship. He's not really making that
decision based on what HE wants or feels.

It's a weak position because you really want
and need a man who is truly COMMITTED to being
with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and
even spiritual level. Not coerced, not forced,
not convinced.

COMMITTED. Totally and with all his being.

Knowing this, let me ask you...

Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and
become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just
because a woman ASKS THEM?

Or does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS
for being and feeling this way?

It's a VERY IMPORTANT question.

If you've had one or more relationships where
you were ready for "more"... but the man you were
with was seeming to drag his heels, or just not
care about your relationship... and you tried to
make it work but it only seemed to BACKFIRE - then
this question could be one of the most important
questions you ever ask yourself.


So as a bit of homework, I want you to stop
for a second and THINK ABOUT IT...

*Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and
become truly loyal, caring, and affectionate just
because a woman ASKS IT OF THEM?


Does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for
truly feeling and being this way with you, if it's
going to LAST?

Lots of women think they get how this works
because they talk a lot about what's on THEIR

For most women, this is common Communication
Mistake #1
in their relationship:
Sharing YOUR FEELINGS first, and often, because
you believe this will somehow get him to share his
feelings in return.

This is not a great way to get a man to "open
up" to you and get in touch with his feelings.

This is not his "emotional process."

Especially with a man you're in a relationship
with who is already acting "withdrawn" and has
shut off his feelings from you.

This kind of MORE IS BETTER approach about
talking and sharing YOUR FEELINGS actually
WORKS AGAINST YOU more than it helps you with
men who are acting uncertain and withdrawn.
If you know anything about a man, then you
should know that to get to know HIS FEELINGS,
then more talk about YOUR FEELINGS is NOT the

Which leads me to common Communication
Mistake #2:
Out of all the things that can go wrong in
a relationship, I've found one that causes women
more pain, frustration, and leads to BAD OUTCOMES
with the man in their life than anything else...

I've watched it happen over and over with all
the women I know - my friends, my sister,
co-workers. I also get TONS of e-mails from women
who read my newsletters who write to tell me this
all-too-familiar story.

It's the SAME ISSUE that keeps popping up at
the beginning of their romantic relationships -


It's when a woman expects that the relationship
will progress to something more committed, but
ends up feeling disappointed when she finds out
the man doesn't want the same thing.
This problem usually plays itself out in one of
two ways.

I'm sure you'll identify with one (if not both)
of these:
SCENARIO #1: You know exactly what you want
out of the relationship, but rather than "rock
the boat" by having a conversation in which you
make your expectations clear, you decide to
WAIT IT OUT in hopes that the man will soon feel
the same way and that everything will just "work
itself out."

SCENARIO #2: You know exactly what you want out
of the relationship but as soon as you get the
sense that the guy doesn't share your desires or
isn't "on the same page" emotionally, you subtly
and unconsciously decide to PRETEND that you're
cool with things just being casual, even though
you know you need a lot MORE to be happy and

Predictably, when you find yourself in either of
these two scenarios, it becomes a slippery slope
toward ultimate relationship disaster.

Here's how this plays out:

First- you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or
worried that you're not getting what you want
and need from the relationship

Second- you don't know how to say what you're
feeling and what you want in a mature, honest
way, so you say nothing at all, or you drop
"hints" that are misunderstood or ignored

Third- he doesn't change anything about the way
he's treating you or the relationship, and you
become frustrated or disappointed with because
he doesn't really "get" what's missing and what
you want from him

Fourth- your frustration builds up even more and
either brings you to an emotionally destructive
CONFRONTATION with him that FREAKS him out (like
an ultimatum)... or all the silent tension and
negative feelings between you make him act
distant, disconnected and maybe he even starts
losing interest in you

Remember going down this road?

Not fun, huh?

So what's going on here? And what can you do
about it?

What you need to do FIRST, before you do
anything else, is get CLEAR about what you want
and expect from your love life.

You need to be honest with YOURSELF first,
before you can be honest with anyone else in
your life.

Stop PRETENDING you only want a "casual" fun
fling when what you REALLY want is to have a
committed, serious relationship that's "going

Here's the thing:

Getting clear about what you want will help guide
your mind in all kinds of POSITIVE DIRECTIONS to
help you find and attract the right situations
and people in your life.

But, unfortunately, being CLEAR and HONEST is
not that simple for most women when "the rubber
meets the road" in dating and relationships.

The reality is, knowing what they want and
expect can turn into a source of EXTREME
frustration and anxiety for a lot of women.

Expectations can definitely set us off in good
directions in our lives... But when we don't feel
like we have the CONTROL over how to get those
expectations met, the "wheels really start to
come off the car", so to speak.

To get the inside scoop about how the
commitment process works for a man, and how to
transition from "casual" to deeply committed in
an easy and effortless way, without the usual
uncertainty and fear that comes up when you have "The Talk" ...
Ok, so let's get back the concept of
expectations and disappointment.

A woman may "feel" like the man she's been
dating is "The One" and she can see things
getting much more committed and serious, but she
also senses she doesn't have the right tools or
skills to know how to COMMUNICATE those desires
to the man in a positive way.

Simply put, the woman is AFRAID that
approaching the guy with a heavy "talk" will
either scare him away.


She herself doesn't know what "taking it to
the next level" really means to HIM, why he would
want this, and how to go about talking about it
in a way that builds trust and makes him want to
open up and share.

So she avoids telling him what she's really
thinking and feeling about their relationship.

Instead, she starts to accept or downplay the
little disappointments she feels.

Until one day she finally wakes up and realizes
that she doesn't have the kind of relationship
she THOUGHT she would have with this man, and
she's just not happy with herself or the

And sometimes this "awakening" doesn't even
happen until after the man cheats or leaves.


Hey, I get it.

Men can act more than a little insensitive
to all of this, and even act like TOTAL IDIOTS
when it comes to appreciating and respecting the
great relationship you already have together.

But hang on for a sec...

Let's just simplify things and boil it down to
that one thing that is the cause of all the
trouble and confusion:


The unfortunate truth is that some women don't
want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants
because of their own fears.

They're AFRAID of finding out the truth about
what a man truly feels about them, and their
future together.

And the most dreaded fear of all...


These two things are SO STRONG AND POWERFUL
that something fascinating happens in the woman's
mind when there's even a small potential for
either of these....

Their mind starts a cycle of SELF-DECEPTION.

Here's how it works...

The fear of pain and loss often leads us to
ignore our thoughts and intuition and replace our
fearful thoughts with happier thoughts that make
us feel comfortable.

It's the mind's "emotional defense mechanism."

I know you felt this before.

How many times have you been unsure - deep
down - about the man you are seeing, but instead
of examining those doubts and finding a way for
you to deal with your own feelings, you decided
to actually BUILD HIM UP to your friends and
family as being a wonderful catch because you
didn't want to face some of the problems lurking
deep in the back of your mind?

You thought that you'd help things out by
telling yourself and having faith in what you
wanted to be true.

...And sometimes, in the process of making up
these "new truths" you even start to convince
YOURSELF that he's a better guy than he actually

Or maybe you've been in a situation where
you've gotten no indication that the man you're
seeing wants any kind of serious relationship,
but you choose to believe that you're building
a committed relationship as things slowly and
naturally escalate.

Making those assumptions without the basis of
direct communication can lead to BIG TROUBLE
down the road.

Save yourself the wasted energy and the broken

If you're looking to move past the fear and
insecurity you feel but don't want to get in touch
with or let anyone know about, then I'd like to
help you get in touch and star the "healing" and
growth process.

And I'd like to help you quickly get to that
great place you know is inside you where LOVE and
amazing experiences and emotions simply FLOW
in your life... and draw the right man and the
right relationship to you all on their own.

Remember, a man can't read your mind, or
know all that's in your heart.

And if you're carrying around pain or fear,
it's surely getting in the way of him seeing that
beautiful and real you underneath that he would
want to know and love.

Don't keep a man from seeing the best of the
real you that's inside. Make it easy for him -
and for you.
Now, back to working with your own
expectations, and being with a man and discovering
how he is feeling.

Here's a question that's probably already
on your mind...

How can you be sure you're involved with
the RIGHT guy, and know how he's feeling, and
if he shares your expectations and desires?

The answer is HONESTY.

HONESTY is one of the most liberating and
valuable traits to develop - and it's even more
valuable when you're dating.

And guess what else?

It FEELS REALLY GOOD to be completely open
and honest.

Plus, even when it seems like it would push
you and a man apart, it has an amazing way of
bringing you closer together and building more
love and admiration.

But only if you know how to share your thoughts
and honest feelings in a way that SERVES YOU and
your relationship.

Not all communication is equal.

You can MEAN something, but depending on how
you share it with someone... it can either be
received as loving and "good"... or as NEGATIVE

How is what you are feeling being RECEIVED?

And how does this relate to the way you choose
to COMMUNICATE what you are feeling?


Let me tell you something important that you
might have gotten mixed up inside your head as
a woman in relationships with men who wouldn't

It's OK to want what you want and to let a man
know it.

In fact, it's a MUST.

And it's OK to tell a man that his behavior
doesn't match with what you want.

For example...

If a woman is honest and upfront about what
she wants and expects from a man, in a way that
says that she's not too attached to the immediate
outcome, and she subtly lets him know that he
better have his act together or else.

It can turn the usual "teeth pulling" talk
into an opportunity for building attraction and
a deep source of commitment with a man.

But remember...YOU CAN'T FAKE IT.

You have to be in a place where you truly
believe that you'll find and meet your
expectations for love and relationships, with
or without the man who's there in front of you
right then.

No matter how much you love him.

That means you have to be in the right frame
of mind, and state in your heart, BEFORE you start
the conversation with him...

But most women aren't in the right frame of
mind because they're afraid, and they've "tricked"
themselves into thinking that their intimate
feelings for a man will scare him off.


It's not honesty that will scare him off, it's
the negative, fearful and anxious "vibe" that
you unknowingly give off before you finally
EXPLODE because you can no longer hide how you
feel from the man you're with.

That's what scares some men off or makes
them clam up.

The amazing thing is that men crave HONEST
women who are up front about who they are and
what they want in relationships.

The key is to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate
these things without going over the top.

Remember, if you communicate with a man in a
way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes him
think that you're "entitled" to a relationship
and a commitment with him, he will NEVER, EVER
respect you and want to stay for the long-term.

You might get what you want in the short-
term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid
a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for
MUCH bigger problems in the future.

Or worse, you'll get what you want NOW, but
he's spent the past months - or even worse,

Not good.


You just can't "talk" a man into wanting to
commit to you by listing all the ways your
relationship is special.

This is something VERY IMPORTANT to remember
when it comes to men and relationships.

**You have to give a man the right "REASONS"
for him to want to and make HIMSELF commit.**

Becoming deeply committed doesn't often just
happen with the passing of time for a man. He
won't want to commit "just because" it's been
six months or a year (or longer).

He won't commit to you because you explain
how you think you're better than all the women
he's dated or because you have such a great

Nope, he's going to commit for his own reasons.

So what are these "reasons"?

They're very complex if you don't understand
them... but simple at the same time.

A man's reasons for committing, or not
committing, are his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.

Sounds simple, but it's profound and true.

The "masculine" part of a man has to FEEL like
he is naturally and of his own free will CHOOSING
to be with a woman.

If this happens, his commitment will usually
be strong and lasting.

But if he commits because a woman has been
talking to him and analyzing things to show him
how a relationship really makes "sense", then
his commitment won't be strong... and it
probably won't last.

See the difference?

A man's motivations for commitment are how a
woman makes him FEEL when he's with her.

If you want him to respond and have committed
feelings for you, then you need to do more of the
things that will make him FEEL those FEELINGS of
desire, interest and attraction that lead him to
want to commit.
In other words, WORDS and conversations are the
LEAST powerful and effective tools that a woman
has when it comes to love and relationships.

The FEELINGS of ATTRACTION that she can
create, sometimes without even speaking, are


  1. That's cuz it is.

  2. Your post contained very valid points...however, it was rambling and a little difficult to follow due to poor structure. It seemed like it dragged and it took you a awhile to get to the point you were trying to make.

  3. This is a very good article. I needed that.

  4. if all what you say is true...

  5. Seemed like a drag for some but I think some things need to be detailed enough for understanding.... Especially a matter as such. A fine article if you ask me.

  6. Thank you, what you said makes sense but it's little hard to understand...i have to read it twice.

  7. Dear all
    The conclution for all this you have to start to love your self before you start to love a man, and stop being needy this is the most important thing.
    If you have full of confident you will find what you want. Be a fabulous women.

  8. Thank you. It's amazing how true your article rings. I needed to read this.

  9. Thank you, this article was very helpful and I feel like now I have a better understanding about what to do.

    But I've been best friends with this guy for almost to 2 years now and we've dated on/ off. And we've been sleeping together and I found out today that he slept with someone else and he said that I was overreacting because I was so up set. He made me feel really guilty about it.

    But we did agree that we weren't going to sleep with anyone else. He says that he cares about me and that I won't lose him but I feel as if I already have.

    I get frustrated and angry and I have no idea what to do. Do I stay, forgive him AGAIN and just be friends? Or leave knowing that I won't get hurt by him again.?...

    1. cut him off. If you really love him and want him, walk away. And on top of that cut him off completely because a man that cheats once will cheat again, and again, and again. He does not respect you and never will unless you start respecting yourself

  10. You should leave the guy that cheated on you.

  11. Sex is not a casual thing. If he slept with you and then he slept with another woman after you agreed to be committed, he is playing the field. I would feel so used. He is not worth your affection. A woman should flirt but play hard to get. Men love to chase a woman. There are too many other women that are so freely available that love has become a commodity nowadays. Value yourself. Be confident. Don't let men treat you like a doormat. They are attracted to confident and hard-to-get women. The right person will find you soon.

  12. Read the book "Why Men Marry Bitches"

  13. Dear hubavanana: i agree with you! Sex is not warranty that you can get his love. As a women we have to have boundary.

  14. And i've read the book why men marry bitches. Its a great book, i think all women should read that book.
    This book is kind a bible for me now.

  15. i would definetely read that book,it sounds interesting

  16. anyway where can I find that book?

    1. You can get in any book store or you can buy online from

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  37. Can I read this article as a man with roles reversed ?? Been dating and she has become very with drawn at odds at how she has been. Is there an article for where women blow hot and cold ?